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Next Meet

"Wild Camping"

1st - 3rd March 2013

Next Social

AGM. Portland D136.
map

Thursday 14th March
8.00 pm

If you don't want this for a time, please comment it-Fabian !Next Ice Climb

Manchester Indoor Ice Wall
Friday 1st December at 8:30am

If you don't want this for a time, please comment it-Fabian !Next Climb

Auntie Al

Your Mountaineering Mentor

Dear Auntie Al,

	I get so bored on minibus trips, and I am also afraid people will find out I have a small penis. I get so worked up and I just donít know what to do. I love the mountains so much and I couldnít bear not to go just because of my own imperfections.  

Well. It sounds like you need to get used to the feelings of inadequacy whilst in the minibus environment. My advice is, use Matt Roseís whisky to drink yourself into a stupor on the way to Scotland, and then help to unload the roof rack whilst singing in the pouring rain to boost your self-esteem and your responsibility within the group.

Dear Auntie Al,

	I have really long hair and I am male.

Cut it.

Dear Auntie Al,

	I really love Scottish history. I only come on MPS trips because I have no other friends and I feel closer to my Scottish roots up there. What excuse should I use not to climb up hills?'

Well, in my experience injury is the best excuse anyone can use. Just pretend you overtrained for an Adventure race, perhaps go on a small walk on the first day and then say you canít possibly do anymore walking all week. At the pub that night, try suggesting visiting a local castle for instance, even offer to drive.

Dear Auntie Al,

	I quite often get caught fiddling with specimens of ancient Scottish history that are usually very valuable. Just the other day I couldnít stop myself taking apart a pistol that wasnít mine with no idea of how it worked or how to put it back together. What should I do in these situations to stop me getting reprimanded?

The best thing you can do is probably pretend you donít speak English and then look sweet and innocent when the big scary hairy Scottish man in a kilt asks you what you are doing.

Dear Auntie Al,

	I have a fear of urinating in enclosed spaces like toilets.

There is only one thing you can do about this. Try getting drunk then squatting in the middle of the track Give yourself a time limit by doing it behind a reversing minibus.

Dear Auntie Al,

	I am French and I am afraid people will laugh at my accent and make lots of French jokes about me when on a mountaineering trip.

I think your best course of action is to avoid English words that sound funny in a French accent. Manoeuvre for instance. Or Plockton. But to be honest, most mountaineers are xenophobic and mean, and will probably ridicule you for being a Frog anyway.

Dear Auntie Al,

	I have never led a climb before and I want to learn in a safe environment where I can gain some confidence. What do you suggest?

My advice is to find a crag not listed in any climbing guidebooks that looks very dangerous and may collapse at any minute, and then just start putting gear into places you think might hold if you fall, which you probably will if it is your first time. If by any chance you or your seconder does fall, gear may get lodged in the only bit of cliff that remains, whilst the rest of the face hits the belayer in the hip and on the helmet and takes out his lunchbox. (The plastic square kind) Remove the aforementioned nut by levering the cliff apart.

Dear Auntie Al,

	I am a right bastard and like to prevent disabled people from using their facilities. Any new and original ways you can think of doing this? 

Yes you truly are scum of the earth. Why donít you lock yourself in a disabled toilet and proceed to wash your hair in the sink for 15 minutes whilst a wheelchair bound man waits outside.

Dear Auntie Al,

	When I drink on mountaineering trips, I find that the interior of the minibus is far too comfortable and safe, especially on bumpy mountain tracks. What should I do?

You should try transferring yourself and your beverage onto the roof rack of the vehicle, and proceed to try and ďsurfĒ your way back to your accommodation. Note: never attempt whilst sober.

Dear Auntie Al,

	I am going on a mountaineering trip and the place we are going has no toilet facilities. What should I do? By the way, I also have an old chair and a saw in my possession.

Well. It seems to me that just by pure chance you have the precise equipment needed for making your own toilet. Merely cut a rather small and jagged edged hole in the middle of the chair, and place over a hole in the ground, making sure that you leave no headroom for sitting up straight. You will then be able to relieve yourself in the most awkward position ever recorded, and may even get the bonus of a lacerated behind.

Dear Aunt Al,

	I donít know what a Ferret is and as President of the club, I feel this may demean my position and no-one will ever respect me again as a person, let alone a mountaineer.

Firstly, itís Auntie Al, not Aunt Al. And secondly, hhaahhhhhhhaahahaaaaaaahhaahhaahahhaaaahaaaaaaaaa.

Dear Auntie Al,

	I donít like walking in the day, because people call me Jimbo. 

I reckon your best course of action would be to go on a random walk up the mountain and watch the sunset with a random Frenchman. You may like to take beer.

Dear Auntie Al,

	I sometimes feel like a beaver. I also donít like helping with domestic chores.

I think you should probably go and build the mother of all dams whilst everyone else is slaving away in the kitchen preparing a meal. And donít worry, everyone feels like a beaver now and again.

Dear Auntie Al,

	I am a Frog and I get scared when mountaineers come close to me. I am afraid they will eat me and put my dead brother in a pickle jar. Help me.

You need to put them off going anyway near you or your dead brother. Try making them run away in disgust by humping your late sibling.

Dear Auntie Al,

	I am writing to you from a cold bothy in the middle of Scotland. We have used up all our fuel and are in danger of freezing to death. The others have been hours. What do we do?!

Donít worry. The other are probably making their way own the track with a whole forest in tow. Burn the firelighter box for that little extra heat, but whatever you do, donít be tempted to pour paraffin directly onto the fire.

Dear Auntie Al,

	I used to be an Angel and I was ousted from heaven because I sang too many hymns on the minibus of God. I am going cold turkey because I havenít had a Halo hit for a week. Any suggestions?

Yes. Climb a large Munro on a day when the clouds are low. If you look down at the clouds, a rainbow type halo will appear around your head. You may also see an Eagle. But thatís completely irrelevant.

Dear Auntie Al,

	I am very hardcore and I feel that MPS isnít really fulfilling my needs. I really like the club as it has some tasty blokes I would like to bed, so I donít want to leave. Any advice?

You need to find things to stretch yourself if the club isnít doing it for you. Try going for a 12 mile run and getting sunburn in an amusing pattern, or sleeping out at night when thereís a perfectly good bothy on hand. You may even like to fish a half-decomposed rat out from under the sink. As far as the blokes go, pick one you like the look of then ask him to go on a mountain marathon with you, so that when he is exhausted and close to death, you can take advantage of the poor bugger while he sleeps.

Dear Auntie Al,

	Iím a Viking and Iím OK, I rape and pillage for my pay.

You are not a Viking, and you are not OK. Raping and pillaging is now illegal and you should be ashamed of yourself.

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